What does two decades get you nowadays?

Short answer: not much.

There’s something soul-crushing about pouring your heart into a school for 21 years only to have that same school throw you out like trash when you’ve landed on hard times.

It’s no secret that I did not want to become a teacher. In my second year of teacher training college I hit a wall and wanted to quit. I didn’t like the atmosphere at the schools I had done work experience at, didn’t like the college/uni divide among teachers and certainly didn’t like the disdain I felt coming from the teachers meant to be guiding me through my work experience. As a mere intern I was treated with contempt, like a burden or an idiot tag-along. I did not have the luxury of quitting, however, because I couldn’t afford to pay back my student loan. Back then, if you completed your degree within four years, you didn’t have to pay it back so I decided to stick it out and then “do something else” with my degree. The only thing standing in my way was the fact I had to do six months of teaching, three days a week, before I was a certified teacher. And I wasn’t allowed to do it at a school of my choice because it was too far away for my teachers to come to for a lesson observation. So my college assigned me a school in Amsterdam and I saw the coming six months as a horrible dark cloud I simply had to muddle through before I was free of it all.

When I got to the school for my very first day it was nothing like I’d expected. I was welcomed in from my very first contact with the receptionist straight through to the vice-principal who was expecting me for my intake interview. Every single person I talked to was delighted I was there, that I was learning to teach and that I was going to be part of the team. And I was part of the team from the very first moment I walked into the school. Here’s your classroom key, here’s your photocopy card, this is the team you’ll be working with, here’s your coach, let’s stop in on a couple of the classes you’ll be teaching so you can introduce yourself. This is Joanne, everyone, she’ll be teaching English. Welcome, Joanne! So great to have you here! Looking forward to working with you!

From the very first day, even as a lowly intern, my input was not only requested but valued and taken seriously. It felt like I’d always been there. It was like home. I had some very difficult classes that first half year but it never felt like I had to deal with it by myself or that it was difficult because I was new. Within our team there were seasoned professionals who readily admitted that class 2A1 drove them crazy, too. We’d talk about what we were having trouble with and what we might try to get the kids onside, how to make things not only bearable but pleasant. Even though you stood in the classroom on your own, you could always count on the expertise and support of the whole team to back you up. I had never experienced anything like it and it was magical and fun. No one was more amazed than I was to discover that I actually enjoyed teaching. Not only that, but I was damn good at it! So good that I got offered a job at that same school, straight out of college. I hadn’t even officially earned my degree yet and I already had a job lined up for the next school year. I didn’t even hesitate to accept. It all felt so right.

Eight years later I handed in my resignation. Not because I didn’t like teaching anymore, but because my new team leader did not know how to inspire the teamwork that had made the school so appealing to me in the first place. Everyone had been left to fend for themselves and my, at the time, very difficult homeroom class, was considered my problem. It weighed on me and I told my boss that I was unhappy. He said he could see that. I said I wanted to quit. He said that was probably a good idea. It broke my heart to leave. Afterwards I discovered that it hadn’t even been necessary. There were plenty of things we could have tried to make it easier for me but my unimaginative team leader didn’t even try to come up with anything, he just let me go.

I had enough money saved up to manage for a year without work and so I left without anything new lined up. I applied for a few teaching jobs closer to home but didn’t hear anything back. By that time being a teacher had become so intertwined with my identity that I couldn’t think of anything else I might do. I was still aimlessly drifting along at the end of the summer vacation and throughout the fall, when a former colleague called up to ask if I would consider substituting for her while she was off on pregnancy leave, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to go back to school for a little visit and to see what the temporary position entailed. I went in “for coffee” and left with a contract. Thirteen years later I am still there.

The last six years have been difficult for me. There’s been a great deal of unexpected and deeply personal loss, I’ve struggled with my health and, in retrospect, woefully inadequate medical support and, once again, the teamwork that had made my school so wonderful before, had evaporated, replaced with more admin work and less time to get everything done. By that time I had been promoted to assistant manager and the duality of teaching and managing, coupled with the hardships I was facing in my personal life, wasn’t working for me. I resigned as assistant manager and went back to “just” teaching but it didn’t improve my health. I had a second burn out and my recovery was hindered a great deal by our new team leader’s overwhelmingly obvious opinion that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I dutifully did all the coaching, all the reintegration and, slowly, fought my way back. After that, though, every set back in my health was tallied up and used against me. Didn’t matter if it was exhaustion, covid (which I caught at school) or long covid, it was all a sign of how unreliable I was.

Three years ago I talked to my team leader and HR about what possibilities there were in phasing out my teaching hours and slowly working towards a full-time position in the school library. With some creative thinking, HR came up with a plan and it was indeed possible. This school year, 2021-2022, was set to be the last year I taught any classes and I was going to work towards five days a week in the library. I’ve been spending the school year ticking off all of my “lasts”. Last time I’d be doing a parent information night, last time I’d be writing report cards, last time I’d be submitting school exams, etc. It was bitter-sweet but, mostly, I was very much looking forward to being in the library where I could still work with students and I could still work with my beloved English department through our English literature collection. Most importantly, I could stay at my beloved school. The place where I started loving education.

Health-wise I had a very strong start to the year, even though I’d had covid in December 2020, and as a result was dealing with post covid symptoms, the fact that I only taught two classes and spent the majority of my week in the library meant I wasn’t over-taxing myself.

Then disaster struck over the Christmas holiday and, out of nowhere, I ended up in a great deal of pain with a list of symptoms as long as my arm. I felt worse than I had when I’d had covid. There was no explanation for it and the pitifully few tests my doctor reluctantly booked for me were inconclusive. I was trapped in a body I didn’t recognize and couldn’t rely on and there was no help or understanding to be found. I was off sick “again”. Aside from the fact I was stuck in a failing body with no answers, which was terrifying, I was also frustrated by the utter lack of compassion I got from my team leader. For her, this was simply more proof that I was not cut out for my job.

Two weeks ago I was told that I would not be working in the library full time next year. It was too risky because I’d probably call in sick again. Best they can offer me is to fire me as a teacher and then I could work in the library for four days on a trial basis. If I’m sick again, no permanent contract. Good bye and thanks for the 21 years.

It’s risky but also not really viable for me. I’m taking a huge salary cut working as support staff rather than teaching staff and I’d need to work full time (five days) to even have a glimmer of a hope of making ends meet. Four days simply isn’t financially feasible.

So what do I do? Keep my current contract, two days teaching and two days in the library even though I know the teaching part greatly hinders my work in the library? Take the offer of four days and hope they agree to a higher pay bracket so I can make ends meet? Quit and find a new job? As if a new job is so easy to find.

In all honesty, I should probably leave. It’s become a toxic relationship and I should step away. I’ve stayed longer than I should have, mostly because I kept hoping things would get better, that my work (and I) would be appreciated. I didn’t want to leave on bad terms, not after all of the wonderful years I’ve had there. But it looks like that can’t be avoided anymore. It’s not getting better, I’m not appreciated and I am tired of constantly fighting for crumbs.

Between you and me, though, I’d stay if my team leader left.