Three and a half weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and I went home with a prescription for medication that same day. I have been struggling with how to put my experiences since my diagnosis into words. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am still learning to recognise the differences. So much of my life up until my diagnosis was made up of things I thought everyone felt and went through. Now I’m learning how very different things are when my brain gets the help it needs. I’m having to reevaluate my “normal” parameters while at the same time enjoying the delightful magic of having things fall into place. Putting those two separate things into one cohesive account is a challenge.
There are so many differences to take in and still so many more things to (re)learn. Here’s some of the things I have encountered so far (this list is not comprehensive)
Anger/frustration/impatience
People who didn’t know me would often get a warning from friends and family to “just leave her alone” when I came in after work or after being out for the day. Give her 15-30 minutes of peace, don’t talk to her, leave her be, put out a glass of wine and back away. Whatever you do, don’t ask her anything or bother her. Try not to breathe too loud.
All of these comments were so often used that it didn’t even occur to me to examine them. I knew I was always angry when I got in from being out. I was warm, couldn’t get my bag off fast enough, got stuck on things, was flustered and frustrated and annoyed with the world. Mostly because people in traffic were inconsiderate, unpredictable and utterly idiotic and I was sick of having to deal with them. I was glad that people knew me well enough to know that what I needed was to not have to interact with anyone for a bit. At least not until I had calmed down from the last ordeal and was put together enough to behave in a socially acceptable way again.
Even going to a place where I knew everyone already knew me and knew how I was, I would still arrive flustered and distracted and resembling a tiny hurricane of frayed nerves. Like my parents’ house for Saturday dinner. I would come in, dragged forward by one small dog in a hurry and pulled backward by one medium dog wanting to sniff every blade of grass. This after having been on a long, boring stretch of road for an hour with drivers who either get so close they’re nearly in your backseat or they pass you and then cut you off. Or the slow middle-lane drivers who have no earthly reason to be there. Or that guy who keeps swerving just between the lines but you have to watch him anyway in case he goes over. You get the idea. I was a mess and I could not just say hello and hug people while I was still holding on to dogs and trying to get my bag off at the same time.
When I phoned my parents after my last visit to assure them that I had arrived home safe my mother commented that the one big difference she’s noticed in me is how I arrive. I hadn’t even really noticed but she said I came in, still dragged by dogs and burdened with bags but I didn’t even seem to notice. I said hello, big smiles, gave mom a kiss and dad a hug and then shut the dogs up with a treat. All with breezy ease, as though I had never done any different.
Trust me, you don’t get people warning newcomers to leave you be when you enter a room for no reason. This was a Brand New Thing™
Feeling tired after work
At any point in the last 17 years if you had asked me how I felt about teaching I would have told you that I love it (maybe not as enthusiastically during my burn out but I would have still said that it was the job for me). I wasn’t lying, I really did and still do love teaching. I love it more on medication, though.
The thing is, because I was using up so much energy every single day remembering things, planning things, re-reading things, biting my tongue, not showing how irritating I found people, second guessing myself and generally just working very hard at everything, I was exhausted by the time I got home and could let go of the reins a bit. Constantly being bone-tired made it really hard to focus on anything good. I’d get home at the end of the working day and would drop into couch potato mode. It’s hard to focus on any good moments or successes when you’re struggling to keep awake until it’s a reasonable bedtime.
Since I’d been working very hard at playing the role of a passable human being all day, the last thing I wanted to do was go to the supermarket where there were more humans I would have to put effort into interacting with just so that I could buy ingredients that I would then have to put more effort into cooking. Why do all that when I can get someone else to make it and deliver it to my door?
Since basic human interaction is no longer a Task I have to perform but rather a thing I have the time and energy for at no extra cost, I get home feeling pretty okay and I can remember all the fun little moments I have had with students and colleagues throughout the day. I was telling Dan about a particularly fun lesson I’d had with my advanced English class and he remarked that he’d never actually heard me being this positive or excited about my work. Now, I have lived for my job ever since I started there so it was pretty eye-opening to hear that I had rarely been vocally positive about it in the last year and a half.
On top of being able to focus on the good things in my day, and there are many more now, I also have plenty of energy left to make myself dinner. I’ve actually been eating like a responsible adult for the last three weeks. That may not sound like a big deal to many but I cannot remember the last time preparing food to eat was such a non-issue.
Time and space
On medication I feel like I have a lot more room. Actual, physical space. I used to feel like people were crowding me. I felt like Neo in that scene in The Matrix where he’s bobbing and weaving through the crowd. I neither bob nor weave now. I can “just” walk through a crowd. I have space and I don’t feel like people are completely unpredictable in their sudden stops, turns or slowing down. I have plenty of time to slow down myself and plenty of time to react in general. That woman who stops in the middle of the sidewalk to check her messages? I used to want to punch her in the back of the head. Now, I have the luxury of wondering what message she got as I easily side-step her and move on.
Walking through the crowded cafeteria at school used to be very stressful. Kids are even more unpredictable than adults and they always seem to be standing in the way. It’s no big deal now. I stop and chat, I wait until there’s a space and I know I’ll get to where I’m going.
I always used to be in a rush because I felt like there was never going to be enough time to do all of the things I still needed to do. I have a much better concept of time now and I not only walk slower, I talk slower.
My dogs
My medication has had an effect on my pets. Animals pick up on your mood and basically reflect your energy back to you. I was hyperactive, so were my dogs. I’m much more patient with them now and, as a result, they don’t pull and drag me all over the place, they listen better and Alfie doesn’t bark as much. Everyone has chilled tf out. Alfie is still super aware of other dogs and he’s still afraid of them but he lets it go a lot sooner and can enjoy the rest of the walk after seeing a dog instead of being freaked out for another 15 minutes. Gus is less grumpy and irritated. I’m happy so they’re happy.
Driving
As I mentioned before, driving used to be a source of much frustration. I love driving cars. There’s something absolutely carefree about getting behind the wheel and controlling a heavy vehicle. The problem was all the other ignorant drivers who were in my way.
During my Qb test without meds I missed 15 answers. I was told that on medication (when I missed no answers) I would most likely be a much better driver because there would be fewer signals and cues from other drivers that I would be missing. Simply put, I’d actually be seeing everything for a change and that would make me a better and safer driver. Part of my ADHD is looking at things but not seeing them. I’ve lost count of how many times I have been looking for my keys (frantically and usually when I was supposed to leave five minutes ago), only to see them in a spot I had already “looked” at least two times already. Another part is getting bored by tasks that are repetitive or monotonous. Driving to my parents, on the same stretch of road for an hour with few turns or things I needed to pay attention to, I often felt tired and had very heavy eyes. I am very, very lucky I never fell asleep at the wheel.
On medication, however, none of that was a challenge. It was still a boring task but I had no trouble focussing on it and now I also felt I had plenty of time and space to react to things so I feel refreshed and fine when I get to wherever I’m going.
Sidenote: Me taking medication does not make other drivers less of an asshole. They are still out there in large, large numbers, I just don’t want to hurt them anymore. I now find myself shaking my head like a wizened elder and looking on disapprovingly rather than wishing it would burn when they pee. (Okay, maybe I still wish that but I don’t yell it at them anymore)
Getting out of bed in the morning
Ever since I was in high school I have set my alarm a half an hour before I really had to get out of bed. Usually I’d stay in bed for 15 minutes longer than that as well.
Mornings were tough. Just the idea of having to go through another long day, without even realising why those days were so long and hard, was crippling. Every single morning I would weigh the pros and cons of calling in sick while calculating when the last time was that I called in sick to see if they were too close together. Eventually I would drag myself out of bed and face the day. Or I’d bite the bullet and call in sick and then beat myself up for the rest of the day for not being able to get up and go.
I didn’t know that everything was so difficult because it was taking me ten times more energy to get things done. I didn’t realise I didn’t have the advantage of producing a working amount of dopamine to get through the simplest tasks. I had no idea that my brain wasn’t getting as much blood flow as a neurotypical person’s was. I thought I was just terrible at being a functioning adult and I needed to get my shit together and work harder. I did not know that I was already working harder than most people.
I’m still not sleeping more than six hours a night but, amazingly, after nearly three decades of hating myself every morning for not just being able to get the hell up, I now get the hell up no more than five minutes after the alarm goes. Like it’s no big deal. I just do it. Now, the really interesting thing about this is, I do this before I’ve had my first dose of medication. I’m “me” when I wake up and I still get up within five minutes of the alarm.
That’s because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not going to have to work so damn hard, all freaking day, to function. Knowing that that part is going to just happen, I can deal with all the rest.
I can walk the dogs without getting frustrated or angry, before medication, because I know I have that portion of energy to spare. I know I can get all my things together for work without meds because, within the hour, I won’t have to focus so much. That little spurt of energy in the morning is no big deal because I have support for the rest of the day.
My days at work are actually longer this year than they were last year but I feel like they go by faster and that they are much easier. I work four days a week and I am at work every day from 8 am to 5.30pm. I used to *just* make it to work in time for the first lesson at 8.30 and then leave as soon as I could after the last lesson because I couldn’t wait to get home and stop working so hard at passing for “normal”.
There’s so much more to talk about: how my self-image was shaped by my condition, how it’s influenced my private life, the medication’s side effects, my post-diagnosis visits to ADHD Centraal … I’m definitely not finished talking about this.
More to come. 🙂
In the meantime, I’m very, very happy xJI
crafting witch 