The beginning of February marks Imbolc, a Celtic festival marking the transition from winter to spring; crone to maiden. It’s a Sabbat of purification; a spring cleaning, if you will. If you need to look into the future or past, now is an ideal time.
These days I find myself looking around at everything as though I have stepped out of a cave and into direct sunlight. Blinking and rubbing my eyes and trying to make sense of the shapes and landmarks around me. Things have shifted and moved, some have settled, some have not. Some things are still reassuringly familiar and others are new and curious, waiting to be discovered. Things I thought I knew are now cast in a new light, which also changes their shadows which, in turn, is forcing me to re-examine them.
For me, looking to the past primarily means looking at the past year. Things I had previously taken for granted have morphed, some things have disappeared entirely. New things have taken their place and things I had previously neglected have been brought to the forefront again.
One such thing is my relationship with my little sister. We have always had a very close connection, even for sisters. When we moved to Holland we didn’t know anyone else and were thrust into each other’s (initially unwilling) company. Set adrift with only each other to rely on we changed from virtual strangers, who happened to share a home together, into best friends. That close relationship had waned somewhat in the last few years and we’d grown apart in a lot of ways. Distance and vastly different life experiences creating misunderstandings and contempt. Recently we’ve found our way back to each other and, though we are in the early stages of redefining our closeness again, it’s getting back to the familiar territory I had taken for granted for so long while at the same time, through age and how we’ve both changed in the meantime, it’s becoming something new.
I had also started to take my personality for granted. I know, that might sound a bit odd. What I mean is that I took my identity for granted. Familiar but fixed, maybe even rusted, into place. There are some things that I have considered quintessentially me. Things that I have come to consider definitive traits, inextricable from who I am as a person. In reality, these things are actually habits more than they are character traits and could easily be changed if I wanted to change them. This spring, I am shining a new light on some of my self-identifiers and asking myself if it’s really who I am or if it’s who I’ve become used to being.
Seeds of change have been planted and I am eager to discover what germinates and grows.
A frivolous example is the one about shoes. I used to be known for owning all sorts of pretty pairs of high heels. I had over 60 pairs of very pretty, very high, immensely impractical heels. Most of which I hardly ever (sometimes never) wore because they were painful after a few minutes as they were either slightly too big or slightly too small and definitely too high. Nevertheless, you couldn’t go on a shopping spree with me without having to fish me out of shoe shops and I would invariably buy “just one more” pair. I can’t even remember the last pair of heels I bought but I more than likely don’t even own them anymore. Now I’m all about boots. Comfort. Faux leather. Big, biker boots in black or brown. I not only buy them but I wear them until they fall apart. Very different from the many, colourful pairs of heels I had decorating my spare room that hardly ever saw the light of day. But it’s still me. Both shoe lovers are still me.
I used to be able to finish off a bottle of wine in one sitting. Usually every night, if I’m honest. I’d have a mild panic attack if there wasn’t “enough” in the house. This last year I have spent most evenings without even a drop. I’m not tee-totalling, but the wine memes certainly don’t describe me anymore. I used to identify as a wine drinker when I was being kindest to myself and an alcoholic when I was a bit more critical. I had made many attempts in the past to cut out my dependency on alcohol but something in me shifted this last year and it just clicked and happened. I wish I could be more helpful than that for anyone seeking to cut the ties themselves.
More interestingly is the fact that my proudest identifier, the thing I really considered to describe me to my core, is something I have been questioning most these days. How much does the word “teacher” still describe me? I used to list it as one of the first things when describing myself and now I’m not so sure I even want to keep doing it. It used to be the thing I considered the very essence of me. I was born to do it. It was a calling. I’m a natural and I enjoy it. That saying “do something you love and you will never work a day of your life” was completely true for me. To a certain extent it still is. But is it who I am or is it what I do? Is it what I want to be doing? If I’m not a teacher, then what am I? Live to work or work to live? If I’m not a teacher, what’s keeping me here in Holland? If I didn’t live here, where would I go? How much of how I see myself determines where I am in the world?
I’m closely examining my other identifiers to see if any of those offer me more insight. Do any of the other habits I have or things I enjoy offer me a new occupation? I’m 40 years old, what am I doing about broadening my horizons? What am I learning? How am I growing as a person? Am I okay with keeping to my habits or do I want to challenge myself with something new? Is all of this just a mid-life crisis in disguise? And are mid-life crises necessarily a bad thing?
Imbolc is a great time for initiations. What new covenant am I going to enter into with myself? What fresh path am I going to venture down? I think it’s time to dust off the dark and enter into a new turning of the wheel. It certainly feels like I am throwing off something heavy and entering into the light and that’s definitely a sign I shouldn’t ignore.
For now I am going to rub my eyes, adjust to the light and get a better lay of the land before setting out to chart this new territory of me.
xJI
crafting witch 